[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
You Might Also Like
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Basketball
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.