@wittwitbarista

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

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@Reverend_Scott

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@fowlerism

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

@Dani_Feld

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@_wangwe

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

@thedad

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

@JillianKarger

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

@weinerdog4life

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.