*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.


Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Jury: yes your honor
Judge: how do you find the defendant
Jury: guilty


Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?


*After roommate performs a summoning spell*







Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites


Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.


I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.


me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag


Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.


My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.


I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.