How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
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Judge: has the jury reached a verdict
Jury: yes your honor
Judge: how do you find the defendant
Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.