*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.