*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
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People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them