@Darlainky
@InkedUpKidder
Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
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@InkedUpKidder
@HousewifeOfHell
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
@RayInCincinnati
I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.
@chaselyons
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
@actualhuman01
[department store]
me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome
@DamienFahey
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
@just1fool
Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.
@fmanjoo
In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.
@MomofTeen
I have a hummus budget and caviar tastes.
@CNN
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.