Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I wish I was as good at anything as Pitbull is at rhyming a word with itself.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Everyone should thank me for not being a doctor.
In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.
I have a hummus budget and caviar tastes.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.