Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
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There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum