Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
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“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Blew out my flip flop…
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
But I really needed water water water
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)