Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?