@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

- @abhorrent_wife

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@PinkCamoTO

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

@Zac_Franklin

my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.

@TheDeadfishSays

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

@EndhooS

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

@KKAlThani

I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people’s attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

@daemonic3

[drinks milk from carton]

WHY AREN’T YOU USING A GLASS?!?

“I went to the eye doctor”

What does that mean?

“He said I don’t need glasses”