“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.