“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
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My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Just had my nails done!
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Uh oh…
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on