2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a cab?
Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation