Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
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me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”