Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

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2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.


People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals


“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.


HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille


Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.


When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.


[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”


divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation