@kate_smithxx

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

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@XplodingUnicorn

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

@zachreinert03

People think having 5 sets of grandparents rules as kid on Xmas, and it does, but you pay for it on the back end having to go to 97 funerals

@jakob_huber

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

@ArfMeasures

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

@Midgetgems26

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

@BaileyXPaige

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

@iatemuggles

divorce lawyers waiting to open up after couples spent all the time together in isolation