@GrabTheWEness

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

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@johnmoe

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

@GhantaGuy

It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.

@AlexvanBeek

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

@awordforaword

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

@IamEnidColeslaw

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

@mydmac

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@pilau

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

@TheBoydP

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings