Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.


It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.


Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.


“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”


me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise


my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this


welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot



~My dog when the doorbell rings