The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings