Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now