Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now