please bring me a bottle of your freshest wine no more of this cheap old stuff

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DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*


*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.


My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.


HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.


*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?


Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…


Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.