Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist


Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue


I’m hungry but broke so I’m waiting for my bf to say he’s hungry too than he’ll order something delicious while I pretend to be indifferent.


Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?


She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.


Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.


Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.


I thought a drone was the sound women make when you’re trying to watch the game?


According to the most current magazine in this doctor’s office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.



I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.