Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?