@ItsAndyRyan

Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”

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@vulgorilla

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

@pant_leg

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

@envydatropic

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.

@LifeUnPinterest

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@Darlainky

Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

@weinerdog4life

Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?

@Cheeseboy22

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…