I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Please can Dwayne Johnson sue The Daily Star for that fake interview they ran so I can do a pun about “Rock beats paper”
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me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.
Watched Avatar again and long story short, can you untie my ponytail from this horse?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…