The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
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If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…