First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:
1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum
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“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“It smells like ketchup.”
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.