Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum

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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact


Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.


Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Guys: ok
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
Guys: ok


Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.


Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.


Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.


INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think


Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?


Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-


Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”