Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:
1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Girls: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Guys: I don’t mind
Girls: Like a huge mess
Girls: Like dead bodies on fire
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought a android Ipad.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Eastern Europe – 1989
“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”