@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum

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@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

@toomanycommas3

“I’m pretty good at not taking things personally,” she lied, after 4 hours of analyzing why he asked if she was having a bad day.

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@rolldiggity

Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.

@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

@brendohare

Just saw a bag of McDonalds in the street. Unsure how this will affect brand. Could be good (free advertising) or bad (no one was eating it)

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

@KateWhineHall

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.