Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.