@jonpinder3 “Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
@dwaghalter Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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@jonpinder3 
@FredTaming mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
@thatUPSdude I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him “No jerk!”
I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.
@Marlebean [outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
@ibid78 Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.
@Rica_Bee me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
@MissNaughty1801 I’m surprised my son doesn’t think his name is ‘stopit’
@Landon8426 Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
@Fred_Delicious Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
@sweetandweak Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.