@dwaghalter

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

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@jonpinder3

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

@FredTaming

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

@thatUPSdude

I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him “No jerk!”

I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.

@Marlebean

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

@ibid78

Birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it, let’s fly headfirst into a plate glass window.

@Rica_Bee

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

@Landon8426

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

@Fred_Delicious

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

@sweetandweak

Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.