Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

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Pretty sure the NFL would expand their fan base if a player’s helmet changed colors like a mood ring


Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?


*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.


If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”


[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”


He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.


I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.


I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.


(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.