@dwaghalter

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

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@six_2_and_even

Pretty sure the NFL would expand their fan base if a player’s helmet changed colors like a mood ring

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

@TinderSoul

*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.

@Sophie2078

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@withanewname

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

@kumailn

He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.

@jus4golf

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

@errdayhustlah

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

@sixfootcandy

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.