Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*