@CatherineLMK

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

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@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@FunnyBison

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@TheBoydP

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

@junejuly12

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.