Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.


Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.


Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.


Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.


Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁


If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.


I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.