Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”

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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.


Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.

Me: *sits* *bounces*

Salesman: What do you think?

Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.

Salesman: Please leave.


I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.


BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job


Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill


one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth


Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.


*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?