Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The happy life.. 😊