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@NicestHippo: Please. Danger is my middle name.
"What's your first name?"
@squirrel74wkgn: [at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
@panmidwest: [Therapist's Waiting Room]
ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you
ME: I knew it!
@TravLeBlanc: "Sensitive" guys who only retweet chicks, you're not fooling anyone.
@fatherofcomedy: I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.