All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard