Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
CRYING
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.