The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!