@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

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@thewordy

boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar

@LeBearGirdle

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night πŸ™‚

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

@MissNaughty1801

*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down

@jamdugg

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

@TheAlexNevil

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as getaway driver

β€œI’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

@difficultpatty

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

@tsm560

What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us