@Khanoisseur
Every tech conference
@figgled
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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@Khanoisseur
@thewordy
boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar
@LeBearGirdle
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night ๐
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
@MissNaughty1801
*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down
@jamdugg
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”
@TheAlexNevil
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloriaโs!!
@TheAlexNevil
*first day as getaway driver
โIโm gonna make a Starbucks run while youโre in the bank. Who wants what?โ
@difficultpatty
People in my neighborhood think Iโm power walking, but really Iโm just trying to get home to poop.
@tsm560
What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us