Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
one last job
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!