Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

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boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar


Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night πŸ™‚

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad


*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Him: yeah!
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down


Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”


You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!


*first day as getaway driver

β€œI’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”


People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.


What do people who announce their own birthday on here want from us