@chuuew Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
@figgled Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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@chuuew 
@stuckinaportal *leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
@heatherlou_ If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
@steeve_again Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
@Holy_Mowgli sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
@DrDogMD PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
@cathisamazing Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
@AKcrazy18 Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
@SteveSuckington “Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
@sofarrsogud ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.