Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing


*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3


If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.


Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really


sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon


PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part


Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks


Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.


“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that


ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.