@figgled

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

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@chuuew

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

@stuckinaportal

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

@heatherlou_

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

@steeve_again

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

@Holy_Mowgli

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

@cathisamazing

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

@AKcrazy18

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

@SteveSuckington

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that

@sofarrsogud

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.