Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”