Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
how it started vs how it ended
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.