Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.