Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
You Might Also Like
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share