Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

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Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick


My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.


Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?


I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.


Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.


Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.


Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.


*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”


PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.


Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.