Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don鈥檛 think I should be jury foreman.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
oh shit
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your r茅sum茅 said you were a surgeon
ME: My r茅sum茅 says a lot of things
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Just looked up my son鈥檚 search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl鈥檚 Virginias.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 馃槷
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
$3 #books
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Some days I can鈥檛 believe my son is 3 陆 years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes