Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Namaste or Namago.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.