You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Peace was never an option
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
finally
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy