Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
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I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.