Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.