Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

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god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them


They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.


Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.


Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?


“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled


addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother


“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon