Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.
Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
god: from children
god: ok fine pay them
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
“OMG I’m so wet right now”
– Me after washing a spoon