Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.
Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Hash browns not tags.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Ambien: Where is your unicorn?
Me: I don’t have a unicorn.
A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!