@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

You Might Also Like

@PetrickSara

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

@justincousson

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

@LuvPug

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

@walruslifestyle

you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried

@inmynewskin

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

@chris_witha_see

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

@jergarl

Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

@ThugRaccoons

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!