@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

@GuyThe_Guy

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

@bylinetd

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@CArmanthegirl

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

@notstupidgaycat

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

@Sickayduh

“OMG I’m so wet right now”

– Me after washing a spoon