Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]