Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
You Might Also Like
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.