“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Seas the day!!!!
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”