“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

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*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*


I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”


My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.


If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk


If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff


dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks


[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,



*Very slight chuckle*


Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.


GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It