“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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Me: Who is it?
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Me: Talk to each other.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.
How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.
If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.