Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
You do a lot of yoga?
So you must be really…(winks) annoying
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me