“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

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Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.


INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one


I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.


You do a lot of yoga?
So you must be really…(winks) annoying


“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020


Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.


My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.


“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”


Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me