“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
You Might Also Like
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
DUDE!
Why didn鈥檛 you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he鈥檚 still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Had to try this trend 馃槉
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending