Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
just make the entire table out of coaster
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?