Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.
god: we need some ideas for sharks
angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks
god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?
angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark
god: dammit does anyone have anything original
angel that hates nails: i have an idea