@dumbbeezie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

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@dizzydes86

Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.

@GrantTanaka

I just found out that his full name is actually Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

@IamEnidColeslaw

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it. Let’s do it. Let’s live in a homeless man’s beard.

@Darlainky

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

@Skullcat

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

@tarashoe

A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

@hasht4g

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

@Rica_Bee

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

@MandaPandaXo4

Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.

@NOTVIKING

god: we need some ideas for sharks

angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks

god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?

angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark

god: dammit does anyone have anything original

angel that hates nails: i have an idea