Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God