I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…