A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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friend: how do u meet girls
me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home
me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit
friend: haha clever
me: then ask if her grandma is single
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.