@GrantTanaka

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

@Tmoney68

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

@SolelyB

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

@AsgardianRose

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

@W0nderW0manW0w

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

@lalenguafuerte

Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…

@Mr_Kapowski

Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?

@RunOldMan

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.