please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
For the baby who has everything
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.