WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
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“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*high fives self*
Rihanna says, “chains & whips excite me.”
I doubt her ancestors felt the same way…
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.