@GrantTanaka

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

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@clichedout

friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home

friend:

me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single

@DrakeGatsby

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

@Erin1137

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

@JoshuaHvr

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

@Cpin42

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

@sammyrhodes

“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus

@surrealvehicle

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.