Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I hate when that happens.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.