Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
You Might Also Like
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Smells like a challenge to me
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me