Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?