Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:
Tinder is crazy these days why aren’t you following us yet? 😂😭
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.