Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’