@imdaintyaf

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

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@evangeline_dawn

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

@CallousBalzac

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

@KeetPotato

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

@junejuly12

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

@AdamUrbane

Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.

@PerryFellow

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

@aeroyonghusband

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

@Ygrene

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in