Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!


BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.


me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
jesus: “keith?”


My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.


Dear women married to homophobic racist adult males:

Nice ass.


“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters


BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.


When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in