Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
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At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Born to be mild.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means