@Dawn_M_

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

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@thesulk

I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

@NewDadNotes

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@SardonicTart

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

@buhsbaby_baby

Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@thedad

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.